My character… he realizes that the apocalyptic crime rate is because of global deceleration. The rotation of the earth is slowing down at a rate of point zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero six miles per hour each day disrupting the chemical equilibrium in the human brain causing very irrational criminal behavior.
–Boxer Santaros, Southland Tales

Scientists are saying the future is going to be far more futuristic then they originally predicted.
–Krysta Now, Southland Tales.

Richard Kelly’s Southland Tales has got to be one of the strangest movies I’ve seen in a long time. It makes his previous film, Donnie Darko (which I loved), seem completely linear and normal by comparison. Half way through Southland Tales (which by the way is quite Lynchian, although it almost seems to want to out-Lynch David Lynch to the point where if Richard Kelly continues down this path you might have to describe Lynch’s movies as being quite Kellyian), and I’m shifting and fidgeting, still undecided as to whether I loath or like the film. Occasionally I’m still laughing out loud; almost relieved that I’m able to find some connection and relatable humour within the film. Boxer Santaros’ (Dwayne Johnson) mixture of anxiety and innocence is amusing, and I love the character of Krysta Now (Sarah Michelle Gellar). Other times, I’m confused and irritated by how messy and unexplained it appears to be. Later I discover that there were three graphic novels released by Kelly that preceed the story told in the movie. Would that be like watching The Return of the King, without first seeing The Fellowship and Two Towers?

Anyway, I still like Richard Kelly.

—

Onto a more straightforward topic : Cake.

My boss set me the task of making two small birthday cakes for his kids. A Barbie cake for the girl and a Spiderman cake for the boy.

Sometimes I envy children, whose worlds are so small that the only choices they need to make are whether to have chocolate or strawberry milk. As we grow up, suddenly there seems to be so much choice. When did buying toothpaste become so complicated, for example? I don’t understand why there are so many types to choose from when it seems more logical to want your toothpaste to do everything for you. Tartar control, whitening, fresh breath.. are there really people out there who want white teeth whilst retaining the uniqueness of possessing bad breath?

There was nothing complicated about having to choose what cake to make for these kids. Charlie was adamant about wanting a Spiderman cake for his 4th birthday, despite having a Princess and Pirates theme for his joint birthday party with his 2 year old sister. I’ve seen the photos, and it’s quite cute to see all the little pirates gathered around a Spiderman cake.

With the Spidey cake, I was supplied with a few examples to pick from. One was of Spidey’s face as the whole cake, but I was quite taken by the one of a sugar figurine crawling on top of a web. Having never made a figurine before, I was a bit worried about doing a decent job of it. It seems to have turned out okay in the end though. Once you paint on the black webbing on his legs, arms and face, it starts to look a bit more like Spiderman. The cake started out as a plain vanilla cake from the Confetti Cakes book, with a vanilla and white chocolate ganache. It was covered with fondant, with a border of red fondant balls to compliment the colour of Spiderman’s suit. The figurine which I kneaded and rolled into shape at home, in front of the tv (too busy at work to complete it there), was later placed on top of the cake after it had hardened a bit. I agonised over the end result, because there were parts I wasn’t completely happy with, but then my boss said, “Don’t forget, it’s a cake for a FOUR year old!”.

The Barbie cake was slightly more fun to make. I’ve never owned a Barbie before, so I found it intriguing that once I had released her from her box, I had this urge to want to play with her hair and tweak her limbs around. This was just before I suffocated her with clingwrap so as to keep her clean while the cake construction was happening around her. After walking down several pink Barbie aisles at various toy shops, I couldn’t find any accessories (is Barbie on the wane?), so I made her a necklace from piped royal icing. The cake was a dark chocolate mudcake (a Planet Cake recipe) with dark chocolate ganache. The best part was decorating the skirt – like being a kid again, playing dressups. If you’re thinking of making a similar cake, I found this site very helpful.

Lastly, a girl and boy-themed set of cupcakes for the kids to take to their respective (pre)schools. Pictured below, are the boy ones, which were a collection of monster cupcakes. While I’ve never been a fan of licorice allsorts, it’s hard to deny their usefulness in doubling as monster eyes. I remember my niece was quite into the whole gross-out thing at a similar age so I thought extra lurid, ugly monster faces would appeal to Charlie. Apparently they were a hit. With the leftover cupcakes, I iced them rather haphazardly and set them out for co-workers to eat. One with spiky blue icing resembled cookie monster quite by accident, so for future reference, I could probably do a set of Sesame Street cupcakes – the cookie monster one would have a bit of a chocolate chip cookie wedged into his mouth! 😀

Embracing my inner monster, I’m submitting these cupcakes to Arfi’s Cupcakes Spectacular event. Yes, they don’t look very pretty, but I think they’re spectacular all the same. Spectacularly monstrous, that is!

Vanilla Cupcakes :
(from The Crabapple Bakery Cupcake Cookbook)

2 cups plain flour
2 tsp baking powder
200g softened unsalted butter
1 cup caster sugar
4 eggs
1 tbs vanilla extract
1 cup milk

Preheat oven to 170C. Line two 12-hole muffin trays with cupcake papers.

Sift together the flour and baking powder.

In a separate bowl, cream the butter for 1-2 minutes.
Add caster sugar a third at a time, beating for 2 minutes after each addition. After the last addition, beat until the mixture is light and fluffy and the sugar has almost dissolved.

Add eggs one at a time, beating for 1 minute after each minute or until mixture is light and fluffy. Add the vanilla extract and beat until combined.

Add a third of the flour to the creamed mixture and beat on low speed until combined. Add half of the milk and beat until combined. Repeat this process.

Add the remaining third of the flour and beat until thoroughly combined; do not over-beat or the mixture will toughen.

Spoon mixture into cupcake papers, filling each about three-quarters full. Bake for 18-20 minutes, or until a skewer inserted comes out clean. Remove cupcakes from the trays immediately and cool on a wire rack for 30 minutes before frosting.

Dear Alain Ducasse, we have to talk. I think it’s time to break up with you. Long have I clutched to the hopes and promises of a long lasting relationship with my treasured copy of your book, Grand Livre du Cuisine : Desserts and Pastries. Like personal love letters, each illustrated recipe exuded passion and was breathtakingly exquisite. But try as I might, I haven’t managed to get a recipe to yield anything impressive. Quite possibly, it’s not you, it’s me. Something lost in the translation, or my inability to translate text into results on the plate. So unfortunately, what I have now is a very hefty, expensive paperweight, and I already have quite a few of those : weighty paper tomes that I hardly ever seem to use. It ends now. I think I need to move on. Much love, Y.

—

Even at the best of times, I struggle to come up with descriptions. Satisfactory answers to questions like How was your day or How was your weekend? At what point are details expected and at what point is a simple, Pretty good, thanks, more welcome?

Beirut at Manning Bar last Wednesday finally ended my run of seeing some of my favourite bands play fantastic live sets. It’s one thing to complain about being jet lagged, and totally another to display such contempt for your audience that you spend the entire performance swigging whisky from a hip flask (and later straight from the bottle). It further reminded me about how good Okkervil River were, at the same venue the week before. And here is where I struggle to further explain why they were so good, and why I’m still raving about them weeks after the event. It’s something to do about the alignment of the moons or being able to be professional and rock and roll in the same breath; a singer who gives it his all and the surprising power in his voice, the feeling of being witness to something inspiring; something that enhances your appreciation of the albums you already play too often at home.

These simple little things are what often surprise me with how pleasing and memorable they can become. Case in point with Sherry Yard’s Rosewater and Almond Tea Cookies. After spending a good few days baking biscuits for a large order, you wouldn’t think I’d still be able to eat or face talking about any more biscuits. Not at least for a month. It was an intense week of trying to maintain focus, humming Adele’s Chasing Pavements, creaming butter and sugar, folding, rolling, slicing, baking. Repeat ad nauseum.

These biscuits? Actually, they’re pretty good, thanks. Hard to say any more than that. These are not pretending to be any sort of special occasion type of biscuit. Rather, they are light and unassuming, like a quick kiss on the cheek in the morning. And like a kiss, I would quite happily have even just one, with a cup of tea, every day for the rest of my life.

Next week, Iron and Wine!

Rosewater and almond tea cookies :
(recipe from Sherry Yard’s Secrets of Baking)

187g plain flour
50g almond meal
170g cold unsalted butter, cut into 1/2-inch pieces
187g icing sugar, sifted, plus extra for dusting
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 tablespoons rosewater
2 large eggs, at room temperature

Sift together the flour and almond meal into a medium bowl and set aside.

Using a standing mixer fitted with a paddle attachment or a hand mixer, cream the butter on medium speed until pale yellow, about 2 minutes. Scrape down the sides of the bowl and the paddle. Add the 187g icing sugar, the salt, vanilla, and rosewater. Cream on medium speed until it is smooth and lump free, about 1 minute. Stop the mixer and scrape down the sides of the bowl and the paddle.

Add the eggs, one at a time, scraping down the bowl after each addition, and beat on low speed for 15 seconds, or until fully incorporated. Do not overbeat.

On low speed, add the flour mixture. Beat until just incorporated. Remove the dough from the mixer, wrap it in plastic film, and refrigerate for at least 30 minutes.

Preheat the oven to 175’C. Adjust the rack to the lower third of the oven. Line two baking sheets with parchment paper.

Flour your hands. Pinch off pieces of dough and roll them into 1 inch balls. Place the balls 1 inch apart on the prepared baking sheets. Bake one sheet at a time for 12 to 15 minutes, or until light golden brown around the edges, turning the sheet front to back halfway through the baking.

As soon as you remove the cookies from the oven, cover them completely with extra sifted icing sugar. let the cookies cool completely before removing them from the sheets. Store the tea cookies in an airtight container for up to 3 days at room temperature.