Cocoa Brownies

November 8, 2009 at 11:57 pm


(Coconut slice, cocoa brownie)

I’ve just finished watching a movie. The kind I only watch when I’m home alone and wish to wallow in the quiet for a little while. The name of the movie is actually pretty irrelevant. It sits firmly on the rom-com shelf and starts with a jaunty soundtrack that prepares you for a whimsical, predictable ride with occasional pithy observations.

I mention it only because it’s seems too true, what “they” say. You only get one life. “You can’t live someone else’s or think it’s more important just because it’s more dramatic. What happens matters. May be only to us, but it matters.”

I think I have lived a fairly unremarkable life. A simple childhood, spent walking cautiously down a road paved by my parents’ good intentions; now stretched and aged into an insignificant adult. For all anyone knows, I could still be in a laboratory somewhere, doing what I originally set out to do. Funnily enough, I still wear a white coat, and work with agar and a set of digital scales, but in a completely different setting. Occasionally I have looked back and am kind of amazed at where I have ended up.

When people ask me what I do for a living, I say that I cook. Don’t you mean that you are a chef, someone once said. Well, no. Forgive the pedantry. It’s as though I’ve stumbled into a hall of mirrors and seen myself at various angles for the first time – in fact, I did that once, at a Yayoi Kusama exhibit. Stepping in, I expected to experience awe and freedom. Instead, I felt small and trapped standing on a thin walkway inside a mind that wanted to be vast. In that hall, I turned and saw

a friend
the daughter
his partner
her laughter
those clenched fists
a flightless bird
endless running

I’m not expecting anyone to understand. I’m not even sure it means anything. But how could it mean anything or matter at all except to yourself. What you do in your life, see in that mirror and perceive yourself to be. Let it matter.

Selfish, I know, but I guess I wrote this for me.

And this is for you :

Cocoa Brownies :
(I make these at least once a week as a treat for the people I work with. I favour it for budgetry concerns and think that it’s remarkable how much flavour you can still get out of brownies made merely with cocoa powder instead of chocolate. The recipe is from Bittersweet, by the fantastic Alice Medrich)

1 1/4 sticks (141g) unsalted butter
1 1/4 cups sugar [it doesn't hurt the end result if you use a little less, especially if you like your sweets less sweet :) ]
3/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder (natural or Dutch-process) [use the best you can get, such as Valrhona]
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
2 cold large eggs
1/2 cup plain flour
2/3 cup walnut or pecan pieces (optional)

Position a rack in the lower third of the oven and preheat the oven to 162′C. Line the bottom and sides of an 8-inch square baking pan with baking paper, leaving an overhang on two opposite sides.

Combine the butter, sugar, cocoa, and salt in a medium heatproof bowl and set the bowl in a wide skillet of barely simmering water. Stir from time to time until the butter is melted and the mixture is smooth and hot enough that you want to remove your finger fairly quickly after dipping it in to test. Remove the bowl from the skillet and set aside briefly until the mixture is only warm, not hot.

Stir in the vanilla with a wooden spoon. Add the eggs one at a time, stirring vigorously after each one. When the batter looks thick, shiny, and well blended, add the flour and stir until you cannot see it any longer, then beat vigorously for 40 strokes with the wooden spoon or a rubber spatula. Stir in the nuts, if using. Spread evenly in the lined pan.

Bake until a toothpick plunged into the center emerges slightly moist with batter, 20 to 25 minutes. Let cool completely on a rack.

Lift up the ends of the baking paper and transfer the brownies to a cutting board. Cut into 16 or 25 squares.

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70 Comments »

  1. Trissa said,

    November 9, 2009 @ 12:16 am

    Your post was beautiful. It makes me want to make the most of the coming week, months, years ahead. No time to waste! And the brownie recipe sounds like a winner! Thanks for sharing and giving us snippets of your life!

  2. Rosa said,

    November 9, 2009 @ 12:42 am

    Those look very pretty! A wonderful recipe!

    Cheers,

    Rosa

  3. Wendy said,

    November 9, 2009 @ 12:55 am

    Hmm, your post has definently given me some food for thought. Even though I’m still in high school, I want to study science at uni and probably work in a lab too when I graduate, but on the other hand, I really do like baking and I keep on thinking that the latter will be something I will actually enjoy doing everyday as a job. Maybe I’ll make a batch of your brownies whilst pondering over the matter again…

  4. Tartelette said,

    November 9, 2009 @ 1:07 am

    I am sure we can all relate to the feeling. I have no idea what I am, I just do. But I’d sure do better with a slice of each! Medrich’s brownies are the best I have made so far!

  5. Laura said,

    November 9, 2009 @ 1:19 am

    Y, I couldn’t have written it better, but I feel like you a lot. When my husband introduces me as a chef, I get this weird feeling and I want to scream, no I am not a chef, I just cook better than most. My life is also unremarkable compared to a lot of people, but because I only have one chance at it, I try to live it to the best I can, especially when it relates to others. I don’t know you except that through your blog, but your sense of style, photography and taste are not unremarkable. I think we are very similar in our being humble and not quite believing in ourselves. Last, but not least, you made a bold move changing your career to follow your passion, it must not have been easy, you have courage, and that is not unremarkable.

  6. Sugar Chef said,

    November 9, 2009 @ 6:28 am

    Y, very thought provoking. I think as chef’s we like to be in the back ground making people happy. Your blog is remarkable and you have inspired me many times. Glad you followed your passion, I totally understand.

  7. clumbsycookie said,

    November 9, 2009 @ 7:00 am

    Write to yourself and bake for us, that’s perfect with me ;)

  8. Helen (grabyourfork$ said,

    November 9, 2009 @ 9:03 am

    I think that everyone believes their life is rather unremarkable when others always tend to disagree. A case of the grass is always greener? Or taking the everyday and personally familiar for granted?

    Regardless, I think you can rest assured that your amazing desserts and your thoughtful posts continue to inspire people every day :)

  9. Aran said,

    November 9, 2009 @ 9:10 am

    Well, I think of my life in similar terms. I completely changes paths and the people I knew back then have no clue of what I’m up to. And I like it. I like the unpretentiousness and having a quiet life.

  10. Su-yin said,

    November 9, 2009 @ 9:36 am

    I once attended this careers talk, and the speaker said that no one really ends up doing what they expected to be doing when they started university. And I do think there is truth in that…

    On another note, I love the look of these brownies. Will have to try this out soon. :)

  11. Memoria said,

    November 9, 2009 @ 10:11 am

    That mug and spoon are gorgeous!!! Where did you get them?

  12. Steph said,

    November 9, 2009 @ 10:16 am

    You may have written it for yourself but it certainly spoke to me. And how fabulous was the Yayoi Kusama exhibit? P.S. Thank you for the brownie recipe, I’ve been looking for one that uses cocoa powder :)

  13. chocolatesuze said,

    November 9, 2009 @ 10:19 am

    ahhh i am a believer in seeing where life takes you. i love your posts with bits about your life- i didnt know you worked in a lab! you inspire me dude :D

  14. Chris said,

    November 9, 2009 @ 10:21 am

    Beautifully written and said. Sometimes, I wonder where I’m going to end up as I tread this road between two completely different careers – Perhaps when I look in a mirror, I’ll get pushed off the precipice one way, or another, or into a Wonderland somewhere completely unexpected. Either way, I have confidence that it’ll work out in the end. Having those brownies along the way won’t hurt though. =)
    My friend loved that exhibit, but I missed it. Such a shame..

  15. shaz said,

    November 9, 2009 @ 11:45 am

    Oh Y, I read this post with a lump in my throat and tears in my eye.s If your prose is anything to go by, you are a truly remarkable soul! Who makes a damn mean brownie :)

  16. maybelles mom said,

    November 9, 2009 @ 2:33 pm

    I was just working on a post that had a kind of similar feel–about time and one’s life being lived. I do have to say, do you ever think that someone might come to your blog and get that same feeling you got from Yayoi but with your food?

  17. Julia @ Mélanger said,

    November 9, 2009 @ 3:33 pm

    Y – I think you know what I will be thinking about your post.

    Oh, and not about using a different brownie recipe to the Baked version, which I faithfully use each time – but now, of course, I MUST try this one.

    It’s about your story.

    I don’t feel any more special than the next person. I feel like my life is quite unremarkable. I haven’t done anything that distinctive, unique or extraordinary. I’ve not saved lives. I’ve not dedicated my life to helping others in a third world country. I have not invented something that will benefit the sick, young or poor.

    I am just a normal person. Just living their life quietly. But I’m happy about it. Because I am me. I am who I want to be, and no one else.

    I have changed my life dramatically over the years, tipped it on its end, been to hell and back, made rash decisions, ended up with the short stick on occasion, and won a pot of gold on others. But at the end of the day, I’m still the same person. And I am happy with who I am. Every day.

    I am settled and content. For me, that’s a good feeling.

    I like your words ‘let it matter.’ It is as simple and as complex as that.

    Very good words, Y.

  18. Howard said,

    November 9, 2009 @ 6:16 pm

    Alot of people can relate to this post, including me! It’s fair to say that everyone wished they could do something other than their day job at one stage or another of their life. It’s just the way it is.

    Love the brownies too.

  19. the caked crusader said,

    November 9, 2009 @ 7:49 pm

    Lovely brownies.

    I’m starting to realise more and more that it’s the journey rather than the destination that matters.

  20. Y said,

    November 9, 2009 @ 11:30 pm

    Thanks for the comments! I’m kind of surprised by this point that no one has actually said they’re a bit bored of hearing me blether on about the same thing all the time. I think every now and then, I panic a little when I realise how much time has flown and how little I feel I have personally achieved. I try to put it into words and it comes out all funny, like a mis-tuned radio. But I leave it there anyway, as you would a post-it note, to serve as a reminder to myself. :)

  21. Anita said,

    November 10, 2009 @ 12:40 pm

    Great post. I still wear the white coat at work, use digital scales, add precise quantities of liquids and powders and monitor time and temperature. I come home and do the same thing, but with better outcomes. Food is (almost) always edible and (almost) always rewarding. Unfortunately experiments don’t work as much as you’d like them to.

  22. Lorraine @NotQuiteNigella said,

    November 10, 2009 @ 6:29 pm

    Nicely put (and beautifully illustrated with food, what else?). I wouldn’t say you’ve lived an unremarkable life though, look at what you’ve created! :)

  23. alice said,

    November 10, 2009 @ 6:51 pm

    Funny, I am going through a transition at the moment and I never stop questioning what could of been and am I choosing the right path. This time last year I was studying to be a welder, now I bake cakes.

  24. Big Boys Oven said,

    November 10, 2009 @ 7:03 pm

    Great to be back fondling my eyes at your desserts, truly inspring!

  25. Arwen from Hoglet K said,

    November 10, 2009 @ 7:44 pm

    It’s a good observation. I think most lives probably only matter to the liver and their nearest and dearest, but that’s important too. The brownies sound good!

  26. Sunita said,

    November 10, 2009 @ 9:34 pm

    That was so thought provoking. If I looked back, probably I wouldn’t have visualised myself as what I am today. Nothing remarkable, but I am happy and seem to have found a vocation that I really enjoy. Love your brownies :-)

  27. Lauren said,

    November 11, 2009 @ 1:56 am

    Such beautiful words Y! I’m just about at a tipping point of looking into the future and deciding what I want it to hold. I think that we all make a difference. Its the little things, like reading beautiful blogs like yours that connect us. In reading this, you’ve changed my life. No, not dramatically, but definitely for the better. Unremarkability is a treasure in itself.

  28. cindy said,

    November 11, 2009 @ 3:50 am

    i think we all have similar thoughts y…lovely post. sometimes i think the quiet , inconspicuous life is underestimated.

  29. Marysol said,

    November 11, 2009 @ 4:06 am

    Y, life sent me (or rather, pushed me) onto a heck of a journey some years ago. As a result, I have stopped wondering, and have started living, one day at a time. Trying to do what makes me happy. And if what I do brings joy to others, all the better.
    All this to say, your talent brings joy to many. This may not change how you view yourself, but it’s a start.

  30. erin said,

    November 11, 2009 @ 6:14 am

    I have friends who don’t feel like they’ve found their passion in life and are still searching for it. I’ve asked them, is it better to have a passion and feel like you haven’t fully achieved it or to not have any passion at all, at least that way you aren’t disappointed. The all say that to have a passion, even an unfulfilled one, is better that feeling aimless. I try to remember that whenever I get frustrated. I’ve not sure if that applies to what you’re going through or not… :-)

  31. pity said,

    November 11, 2009 @ 10:59 pm

    nice words, nicely put. What you wrote for you and the recipe for us, well done!

  32. barbara said,

    November 11, 2009 @ 11:25 pm

    Nicely written Y.

  33. El said,

    November 12, 2009 @ 1:21 am

    Glad you’re back in the white coat and behind the camera. The shot is beautiful.

  34. penny aka jeroxie said,

    November 12, 2009 @ 2:58 am

    This looks remarkably fantastic and so is your life. But you are right, our lives are in our hands. Some more fortunate and some not. Decision still lies in our own though.

  35. tara said,

    November 12, 2009 @ 5:06 am

    So true, so honest. Thanks for sharing it. I was watching an interview with Isabella Rosselini the other day, and she was telling a story of being in an antique shop that was full of mirrors. At the corner of her eye, she kept seeing a reflection of this vaguely aristocratic woman who reminded her of her mother. She decided against approaching the woman as she seemed reserved and intimidating.

    The woman kept following her around the shop, until Rosselini realized that it was her own reflection. She’s never thought she looked like her mother until that day.

    I thought it was a lovely anecdote.

  36. Hélène said,

    November 12, 2009 @ 8:26 am

    Love this post and those brownies are a success.

  37. Sophie said,

    November 12, 2009 @ 9:10 am

    Wow,…these brownies look apart & I so love the ingredients much better then ordinary brownies!! I so would like to taste them!

    Yum, Y!

  38. Belle@OohLook said,

    November 12, 2009 @ 12:27 pm

    You have such an evocative way of putting things. I’m sure a lot of us are in that tunnel of unremarkability, looking for a way out. Glad you’ve found yours and are sharing it with us! *And love the cup and spoon in the pic.

  39. Darina said,

    November 12, 2009 @ 2:14 pm

    Thank you for the recipe. I’ve been on the lookout for a recipe that just calls for cocoa. Makes my life easier. I’ve been baking a lot of brownies lately and I have a feeling that I’m going to be some more again soon.

  40. Forager said,

    November 12, 2009 @ 2:54 pm

    Such a genteel whimsical post – very nice. Interested to hear more about the white lab coat in your previous life too.

  41. KMS said,

    November 12, 2009 @ 5:05 pm

    such a lovely, honest post. thank you for sharing…

  42. betty said,

    November 13, 2009 @ 11:13 am

    brownies are dangerously easy to make, thank you for sharing the recipe (and shedding some light on your lifes thoughts)

  43. Lisalicious said,

    November 13, 2009 @ 4:00 pm

    hi, i know this is out of topic but do check out this site yeah :D

    http://www.ozbloggers.com

    oh yeah thanks for commenting on my blog :D

  44. pea and pear said,

    November 13, 2009 @ 4:03 pm

    Y, I am trying to find words. They are avoiding me.
    You have created a beautiful space and I thoroughly enjoy visiting it.
    Ali

  45. diva said,

    November 14, 2009 @ 4:16 am

    mmm it all looks so good i’d have em both at once! love the mug too and that wicked looking metal teaspoon ;)

  46. Katherine said,

    November 14, 2009 @ 9:33 am

    Your post was honest and I couldnt have put it any other way. I cant wait to try your brownie recipe.

  47. Carol said,

    November 15, 2009 @ 1:48 am

    Long time reader first time commenter but I just had to leap in and say that I too used to work in a lab (with agar also!), and now do something completely different. I haven’t been brave enough to follow my heart (cooking and/or crafts), but instead am locked into a boring office job. However, this boring job pays me well enough that I don’t have to worry about money, and can indulge myself (and my friends!) in cooking with whatever ingredients I choose.

    Have just baked up a batch of your brownies, and can say that they’re truly delicious. Because I’m in the UK, I’m always a bit wary of US recipes that call for cups, but I dug out my cup measures (British ones), and just went with it, even though our cups are different from yours. It still worked! My friends will be very happy to share them with me tomorrow.

    Thanks for your posts. :)

  48. The Purple Foodie said,

    November 15, 2009 @ 4:38 am

    You inspireme with this post- can’t waitto get on track with what I really want to do (work with food) instead of sit in a cubicle. Your photos are stunning as always!

  49. grace said,

    November 15, 2009 @ 6:59 pm

    i find myself really wondering what movie you just watched. i also find myself deeply craving some chocolate. :)

  50. Cakelaw said,

    November 16, 2009 @ 12:20 pm

    I still don’t really know what I want to be when I grow up. I feel that I am too easily swayed in my decisions by family and friends, and when I thought I’d finally found peace, a careless human being who calls himself a Christian shattered it into a million pieces and I am now back in no-man’s land, hating what I do and back where I am because I was swayed by someone else’s wishes.

    These are lovely brownies – I must try them.

  51. Christie @ Fig&Cherry said,

    November 17, 2009 @ 3:12 am

    I think being able to create such beauty is actually quite remarkable.

    Plus, I’ve just started to appreciate the deliciousness of pecans, so am very pleased to see them in this recipe. Book-marked! :)

  52. cakebrain said,

    November 17, 2009 @ 4:28 pm

    Well, I don’t believe you are unremarkable at all though you have said you have led an unremarkable life. I love your writing and evidently so do a lot of other people too! So, you are having an impact in this world and you will continue to do so. Furthermore, your baking is inspirational and I enjoy your photogrpahy too!

  53. Megan@Feasting on Art said,

    November 18, 2009 @ 7:58 pm

    I really enjoyed this post – I know what you mean about ending up somewhere you don’t expect. I often find myself confused as to how I ended up here. The brownies look so wonderful.

  54. Ivonne said,

    November 19, 2009 @ 12:50 am

    Oh so yummy/yummy/yummy/yummy!

    I knew coming here would be painful because I would want to lick my screen … anyway … besides drooling over your work, I’m here to contact you about the December DB challenge. I’ve been trying to get in touch with you and Anna but with no luck. Can you e-mail me … thanks!

  55. Maria Jose-Dit i Fet said,

    November 19, 2009 @ 11:18 am

    Que buena receta!! me la apunto…un beso

  56. Gourmandises&gf said,

    November 19, 2009 @ 5:33 pm

    Superbe blog !!

  57. HT said,

    November 19, 2009 @ 6:51 pm

    cara mia, my secret sorceress. I think your urgent musings are far more powerful and universal than even you yourself realise, like an unexpected high frequency bolt from the ether deep into the fillings in your jaw. (I was listening to F&TM’s Blinding, which subtle prepared me for your post.)

  58. Hannah said,

    November 20, 2009 @ 6:36 am

    You can never have too many brownie recipes… These certainly do look luscious! Inspires me to tweak my own recipe a bit more. :)

  59. Arfi said,

    November 20, 2009 @ 3:54 pm

    Y, how am I going to email you? Would you please email me at arfi.binstedATgmailDOTcom if you have time? It’s regarding a photo event. Thanks a lot!! *btw, yes, I’d love to have a piece of that brownie, please* :) )

  60. Erika from The Pastry Chef At Home said,

    November 21, 2009 @ 7:24 pm

    Am I going to say some things most of the other comments have expressed? Yes, probably. Not that I know you or anything, but I just need to say that you have done remarkable things with your life even if you feel you have lived an unremarkable life. You cook! You create beautiful food! And you take gorgeous photos of it! That is remarkable considering most people can’t even make eggs properly.

    That said, I do feel the way you do sometimes too. Sometimes I wonder if I should have pursued something practical like practicing law. I’m not getting rich anytime soon making desserts!

    ps: I am very interested in the coconut slice in the photo. Will you be sharing a recipe for that?

  61. Aparna said,

    November 23, 2009 @ 12:06 am

    I love chocolate and of course, I love brownies whether with chocolate or cocoa.
    In fact, I tend to inulge in the cocoa ones, telling myself they’re lower in cals!!! :)

  62. steph (whisk/spoon) said,

    November 23, 2009 @ 11:51 am

    everyday at the bakery, while my coworker and i individually wrap the brownies we’ve made with cellophane, tape and stickers, we discuss the fact that our lives seem to have gone off course somehow. giving nothing to others expect possibly childhood obesity and diabetes…ahhh….what have i become? :)

    seriously though, your brownies look wonderful…i must try this recipe at home!

  63. Asha@FSK said,

    November 23, 2009 @ 2:59 pm

    somehow I missed this post! totally understand the feeling of walking into a hall of mirrors.. it is a very humbling experience somehow…

  64. Ria said,

    November 24, 2009 @ 6:15 am

    I love love love the pics! I am so gonna make them soon!

  65. Ana Powell said,

    November 25, 2009 @ 12:59 am

    Beautiful picture, loved the mug and the spoon.
    Wonderful brownies, awesome work x

  66. Caitlin said,

    November 25, 2009 @ 1:47 pm

    I think saying that you cook is more honest than any other response. Why fancy it up? How much more special can you get – giving joy to others in the form of food? I sometimes wonder if I should wrench myself away from the safe path I’ve set myself on – school, college, job, and now impending marriage. It’s like my life is a to do list, and I’m just checking boxes as I complete things. Now is the time. I’ll give up my safe job, go to graduate school, redirect where my career is headed. And maybe, someday, my answer can be the same as yours: “I bake for people.” Luckily, my fiance has offered to support me through *that* life change eventually :P xxoo sweetie

  67. Ruth Hawkins said,

    November 25, 2009 @ 3:55 pm

    Hello!

    We are Polka Dot Cookies and wanted to introduce you to our beautifully decorated shortbread cookies. We hope they will make a mention on your blog, though am sure you must get a huge number of requests.

    Our website is http://www.polka.com.au if you would like to take a peek at our treats!

    Could you let us know if there is an email address that we can send info and photos to?

    Best wishes,
    Ruth

  68. Ellie said,

    November 25, 2009 @ 4:14 pm

    Another beautiful and inspirating post. Love the brownies but most of all… love the curve line of the spoon :)

  69. Manggy said,

    November 27, 2009 @ 6:17 pm

    No, silly, not insignificant at all, at least not to me :) And cocoa brownies- I know people knock it, but I LOVE them, seriously, I don’t even care there’s no chocolate in them. Smoke and mirrors :)

  70. Bluesummers said,

    January 6, 2010 @ 5:49 pm

    I love the color combination! Earth and chocolates really go well with milk! I will add lots of almonds or sprinkle it with candy dust!

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